Girls, 
I know you will understand this 
and feel the intrinsic incredible emotion 
You have just pulled over your head the worn, 
warm sweater belonging to a boy 
Now, you haven't had a passionate kissing session or anything, 
but you got to go on a camping trip with him 
and eight other people from school 
And you practically slept together, 
your sleeping bag right next to his 
And you woke in the night to watch him as he slept 
but you couldn't see anything 'cause it was dark 
so you just laid there and listened to his breathing 
and wondered if your heart might burst 
The sweater has that faintly goat-like smell 
which all teenage boys possess, 
and that smell will lovingly transfer 
to all your other clothes 
If you get to keep it for a few days you can sleep with it 
but don't let your mom see, 'cause she'll say, 
""what is that filthy thing, and who does it belong to 
besides the trash man?"" 
So you have to keep it under the covers with you 
You can kind of lie it beside you, 
or wrap it around your waist, 
or touch it on your legs, or whatever 
That's your business 
Now if the sweater has, like, reindeer on it 
or is a funny color like yellow... I'm sorry, 
you can't get away with a sweater like that 
Look for brown, or grey, or blue 
Anything other than that, and you know you're dealing with 
someone who's different 
And different is NOT what you're looking for 
You're looking for those Alpine ski-chiseled features 
and that sort of blank look which passes for deep thought 
or at least the notion that someone's home 
You're looking for the boy of your dreams 
who is the same boy in the dreams of all your friends 
Monday, wear the sweater 
to school 
Be calm, look cute 
Don't tell him about the dream you had 
about the place the two of you would share 
when you get older 
Just be yourself 
The best, cutest, quietest version of yourself 
Definitely wear lip gloss 
He looks at you, and then he looks away 
And then he walks away 
and the smell of the sweater hits you again suddenly 
like ape-scent gloriola 
and you get a note passed to you 
by a girl in History that says 
""He needs that sweater back. 
He forgot you put it on in the tent on Saturday 
and he's been looking for it."" 
And you don't have to die of humiliation, you know 
You are a strong person 
and this is a learning experience 
You can still hold your head up high as you run from the classroom 
tearing the stinking sweater from your body 
You've got a secret now, honey, 
and though you'd never sink as low as him, 
you could blab it all over the school if you wanted 
The label in that sweater 
said ""100\\% Acrylic""
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