Tonight will be the last night of my record-breakingly successful run in the lead role of the greatest play of the century.
Unprecedentedly warm praise from critics and public alike has met my portrayal of a man at his desk who gives a damn
And I'd like to thank all my friends and fans for always pushing me to soldier on.
So one last time (for the cameras)
My greatest soliloquy
"Oh, oh, oh, if I could only see the clear blue sky from my office window.
Oh, oh, then it would only take a steel grey day and I'd take my bow"
To whom it may concern:
I'd like to nominate myself to receive and award.
As a small symbol of recognition for my body of work -
A lifetime of selling my body to pay the bills
But my heart and my mind are mine
Mine, you will not win this war -
This is just a battle
Oh, oh, oh, well, I've surrendered you
My physical attendance here
But no, no, no, you will not take my soul -
Lest we forget why I'm sitting here
My letter to the Human Resources Department says:
"You started a war so you'll get what you started"
I'm only working here because I need the fucking money