In 1986 the University of California Davis saw two of its all time brightest stars, Dr Alphonse Mephesto and Dr Arnie Absucrepin Dr Mephesto worked hard towards his theasis, his goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of an asparagus, so that all asparagus' would grow to the same girth and length, giving asparagus a much more pleasant presentation in the world's supermarket vegetable bin D Absucrepin's goal was to genetically create the greatest musical entertainer the world had ever seen Doctor Absucrepin knew that if he could assemble the right elements he could theoretically build the DNA structure that would ensure his creation had talent far surpassing the average the average individual At the time one subject of urban myth was the story that Michael Jackson, in an attempt to retain his youthful look and feminine vocal characteristics, had his testicles surgically removed thereby making him a modern day castrato If such a rumor were true, Michael Jackson more that likely would have had some of his semen preserved before the surgery to ensure the future of his name and lineage Word came back to Dr Absucrepin of a secret cold storage locker deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center, that not only contained 4 containers of frozen semen, but also held a pair of testicles, each was labeled with the name, 'Jack Michaelson'
I once heard a noise
in the night, the most sensual voice
A song of love from an angelic boy
Stuck in my head, and this is what he said
'I am Gopher Boy, pondering reality,
I am Gopher Boy, Who will find my raspberries?'
This had to be the seed of the king of pop Dr Absucrepin was able to use his charm and Chiseled Great features to woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer, who of course, just happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a small vial of the precious semen The search for the egg was a short one, Dr Mephesto simply ran an ad in the classified section of an LA music magazine The ad read, 'Wanted: Unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment, donors must have musical background' With a plethora of young, eager, wannabe musical starlets willing to sell their eggs, the two doctors after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased Doctor Absucrepin felt that it would be far less complicated legally if the fetus were brought to term in a the womb of a non-human He had long since secured the services of the University Volleyball Mascot, a Llama by the name of 'Missy' When the baby was ready, the child was removed via Cecarium It was a healthy Baby Boy He was Named Kevin
I once heard a noise
in the night, the most sensual voice
A song of love from an angelic boy
Stuck in my head, and this is what he said
'I am Gopher Boy, pondering reality,
I am Gopher Boy, Who will find my raspberries?'
Kevin was a Beautiful child, Dr Absucrepin saw to it that Kevin was trained by the best in all aspects of Performing His voice was Golden and had a Sweetness to it that most Males Lacked He moved with Grace and was able to Moonwalk by the time he was 3 As Kevin grew with his talent, Dr Absucrepin Started noticing odd Developments in his physical state When Kevin lost his baby teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengeance; they were at least twice the size of a normal adults and the two in front stuck nearly straight out Also as Kevin Reached his 8th year he was the same height as when he was 4 To top it off he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous, even by adult standards It also dawned on the doctor that even through all the years of hearing Kevin sing he rarely spoke, often choosing to communicate with various grunts and gurgles
I once heard a noise
in the night, the most sensual voice
A song of love from an angelic boy
Stuck in my head, and this is what he said
'I am Gopher Boy, pondering reality,
I am Gopher Boy, Who will find my raspberries?'
Others were noticing the changes in Kevin Children began to tease him, and call him 'Gopher Boy' One day a bully by the name of 'Big Roy' started throwing bananas at him Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas Suddenly in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit three fingers off on his left hand Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state Dr Absucrepin actions were found out but because there was no legislation concerning the genetic construction of another human being, no criminal charges were brought forth The medical associations board of ethics stripped him of all his credentials and his reputation was ruined In fact his name became so synonymous with failure that for years to come med students around the world were known to say in times of mishap, 'Damn, I feel just like Absucrepin!' Dr Mephesto immediately proceedings to adopt little Kevin Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned asparagus, it wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son The moved to Colorado where they could live in relative obscurity Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles, but on occasions if you listen closely, you can hear his sweet golden singing voice ring out into the night over the small town of South Park
'I am Gopher Boy, pondering reality,
I am Gopher Boy, Who will find my raspberries?'