Lonely, unmarried, looking for love,
Life was passing me by.
So I sent off my photo, hobbies and age;
Magazine marriage I tried.
They say for centuries lovely Japanese girls
Have been trained in the art of pleasing men.
Be lonely no more, open destiny's door.
For one dollar they arrange a meeting.
My image was wrong, I didn't like me,
So I changed my personality.
I bought a delux Merseybeat wig
But it was a size too big.
What confidence in my new built-up shoes,
So smart for winter or summer.
Undetectable in normal everyday use.
Look out there's a monster coming!
Bye-bye binoculars and macintosh,
Everything is just great.
I take elocution, learn to speak posh
But still I can't find a mate.
Be popular, learn to play the guitar,
In seven days you could be strumming.
Be sociable, learn kissing technique.
Look out there's a monster coming!
Carnaby clothes, I reshaped my nose,
Plastic surgery's best.
To cut down my weight off comes my left leg.
I pass a swimming costume test.
Are my sideboards too long,
Don't my aftershave pong?
I know my new nose ain't runnin'.
What's wrong with my tie?
Am I getting too high?
Look out there's a monster coming!
Disfiguring and ugly, my facial hair
I had removed electrically.
I rejuvenated my energy cells
And regained my virility (grunt grunt).
(He put my hand on my heart?),
(I am changing the part?).
He had a machine for a mummy.
Please be gentle with me:
I come to pieces literally.
Look out there's a monster coming!
Look out there's a monster coming!
Look out there's a monster coming!
(...fade)