The zoo was as clean as a knife
The weather was warm and benign
The keepers and curators slept in their hammocks
And all was exquisite and fine
It was 1979
Phineas Parsec of the Canterbury Tribe
Who was king o'er the apes at that time
Brought to Ohio just two summers prior
Imprisoned but having committed no crime
(no crime)
It was 1979
Phineas Parsec climbed up on his rock
And smelled the raw flesh on the breeze
Arched his silver back and saw the giraffes
Who were milling about as they pleased
And he knew that they were a disease.
(a disease ruth!)
Bobo the fucking giraffe
Who was tallest and fairest of all
And Phineas hated him with all of his soul
Because Phineas wanted so much to be tall
And Bobo didn't notice at all
(what gall)
So Phineas hatched a fine plan
And threw back his head with a laugh
Climbed out of his cage fairly howling with rage
And he smote that fucking giraffe
It was 1979
The bloodshed attracted attention
From a child who was walking nearby
He looked in the cage at what used to be Bobo
And his ice cream cone landed an eye
After that all hell broke loose
Bobo had powerful friends
The elephants and tigers broke out of their cages
And Phineas came to a grisly end.
And the rest is history my friend.
A wolf fell into a walrus's tank
Crushing it's skull on a rock
It's parents were busy with komodo dragons
And the zookeepers' eyes were pecked out by peacocks
The gorilla's were eating koalas
Because that's what they really eat
The last living panda acquired a shotgun
And rhinos made love in the street
The zoo became eerily calm
The cages and walkways ran red
The only survivor, a small baby tiger
Looked up at the sky and he said
"The survivors will envy the dead"
Back in 1979